Sandman
2017-05-21 08:36:37 UTC
I know this group is dead, but anyway.
Saw this movie last night, and boy did it suck. It was obviously gorgeous as
fuck, just like Prometheus, but that's about it.
So while Prometheus set out to answer as few questions as possible, and
create a shit ton of more questions, Covenant seemed hell bent on taking us
further away from the Alien "lore" and what made Alien such an awesome
movie.
First off, the movie lacks any form of character buildup. We have a few
rushed scenes in the beginning about who's who, but the only characters
whose name you'll ever remember is Daniels and Tennessee. Even Prometheus,
believe it or not, has more characters than this movie.
So these colonists has a malfunction on their ship, and just so happens to
find a suitable planet that is not their original destination, and hey,
let's go check it out. They land, and the shit hits the fan, some form of
black "spores" get into two crew members and five minutes later, small
albino aliens jump out of their bodies. Boom! Excitement! Action! The first
one is dispatched of fairly quickly but the second one manages to escape
(only to be shot in the face a bit later).
This movie is not about "Aliens", it's about the David/Walter androids. Some
60% of the movie is about him/them. Walter is the new generation of the same
android, and he's not "evil" (think Ash/Bishop) but also played by
Fassbender (expertly so, I might add). But they soon find out that this new
planet is inhabited by only David, who crashed the engineer ship on this
planet, releasing all the black goo/spores killing all engineers (this was
supposedly their home planet). Shaw is supposedly already dead since David
killed her, so fuck you - relatable character from Prometheus!
As it turns out, since landing, David has been doing some bio-engineering of
his own in a quest to "create" something. So it turns out that the alien
eggs from the original movie are *created by* David. What. The. Fuck?
So he lures the captain down to his egg chamber, impregnates him using a
face hugger that looks just like the ones in Alien, and what bursts out of
his chest is... NOT a chest burster! No, it's a mini-alien! Like a 5" puppet
of an alien... Holy fuck this is stupid. But no worries, ten minutes later
it is fully grown and jumps on the freighter ship that is taking the
remaining crew members back to Covenant. But hey, luckily, this is a stupid
ass alien that is easily trapped and crushed in a crane, boom, done.
David impregnates another victim back on the Covenant and that Alien grows
huge as fuck quick as hell (well, Daniels is asleep so it may have been a
few hours, but screen-time it's like five minutes). So Daniels has this
plan, they should lure the alien through the corridors back to an airlock
and shoot it out in space (hmmm, seems familiar) and it *fucking works*.
This is the stupidest Xenomorph ever. They open and close doors until it
peeks it head out in the cargo bay saying "hey guys, is this where you
wanted me?" Sigh...
So they trap it inside a vehicle, it breaks out and just as it is about to
pounce Daniels, she ducks and the alien is pierced on another truck and
boom, done.
But this movie isn't about the Xenomorphs, they're just a slight
inconvenience. This movie should be called "David: Covenant", because it's
about him more than anything else. And I'm sorry, in a movie taking place in
the Alien universe and taking place before the events of the original movie,
I am not wrong to expect one of two things: Either a movie that recreates
the tension and horror of that first movie - OR a movie that gives answers
to the questions from the first movie. Covenant delivers neither.
If anything, this is attempting to be a remake of Alien but missing what
made Alien good. It's paced like an action movie, and all aliens die like
little bitches.
The story line is exactly the same. Spaceship stops enroute to target,
signal is detected, crew lands to find source of signal, is "infected" by
alien life form which is brought back to ship, alien life form is shot
through air lock. Done. Compress it all to more action-like pacing and
insert HUGE chunks of David scenes where he plays the flute and cuts his
hair and talk about how humans are unworthy. Sigh...
Saw this movie last night, and boy did it suck. It was obviously gorgeous as
fuck, just like Prometheus, but that's about it.
So while Prometheus set out to answer as few questions as possible, and
create a shit ton of more questions, Covenant seemed hell bent on taking us
further away from the Alien "lore" and what made Alien such an awesome
movie.
First off, the movie lacks any form of character buildup. We have a few
rushed scenes in the beginning about who's who, but the only characters
whose name you'll ever remember is Daniels and Tennessee. Even Prometheus,
believe it or not, has more characters than this movie.
So these colonists has a malfunction on their ship, and just so happens to
find a suitable planet that is not their original destination, and hey,
let's go check it out. They land, and the shit hits the fan, some form of
black "spores" get into two crew members and five minutes later, small
albino aliens jump out of their bodies. Boom! Excitement! Action! The first
one is dispatched of fairly quickly but the second one manages to escape
(only to be shot in the face a bit later).
This movie is not about "Aliens", it's about the David/Walter androids. Some
60% of the movie is about him/them. Walter is the new generation of the same
android, and he's not "evil" (think Ash/Bishop) but also played by
Fassbender (expertly so, I might add). But they soon find out that this new
planet is inhabited by only David, who crashed the engineer ship on this
planet, releasing all the black goo/spores killing all engineers (this was
supposedly their home planet). Shaw is supposedly already dead since David
killed her, so fuck you - relatable character from Prometheus!
As it turns out, since landing, David has been doing some bio-engineering of
his own in a quest to "create" something. So it turns out that the alien
eggs from the original movie are *created by* David. What. The. Fuck?
So he lures the captain down to his egg chamber, impregnates him using a
face hugger that looks just like the ones in Alien, and what bursts out of
his chest is... NOT a chest burster! No, it's a mini-alien! Like a 5" puppet
of an alien... Holy fuck this is stupid. But no worries, ten minutes later
it is fully grown and jumps on the freighter ship that is taking the
remaining crew members back to Covenant. But hey, luckily, this is a stupid
ass alien that is easily trapped and crushed in a crane, boom, done.
David impregnates another victim back on the Covenant and that Alien grows
huge as fuck quick as hell (well, Daniels is asleep so it may have been a
few hours, but screen-time it's like five minutes). So Daniels has this
plan, they should lure the alien through the corridors back to an airlock
and shoot it out in space (hmmm, seems familiar) and it *fucking works*.
This is the stupidest Xenomorph ever. They open and close doors until it
peeks it head out in the cargo bay saying "hey guys, is this where you
wanted me?" Sigh...
So they trap it inside a vehicle, it breaks out and just as it is about to
pounce Daniels, she ducks and the alien is pierced on another truck and
boom, done.
But this movie isn't about the Xenomorphs, they're just a slight
inconvenience. This movie should be called "David: Covenant", because it's
about him more than anything else. And I'm sorry, in a movie taking place in
the Alien universe and taking place before the events of the original movie,
I am not wrong to expect one of two things: Either a movie that recreates
the tension and horror of that first movie - OR a movie that gives answers
to the questions from the first movie. Covenant delivers neither.
If anything, this is attempting to be a remake of Alien but missing what
made Alien good. It's paced like an action movie, and all aliens die like
little bitches.
The story line is exactly the same. Spaceship stops enroute to target,
signal is detected, crew lands to find source of signal, is "infected" by
alien life form which is brought back to ship, alien life form is shot
through air lock. Done. Compress it all to more action-like pacing and
insert HUGE chunks of David scenes where he plays the flute and cuts his
hair and talk about how humans are unworthy. Sigh...
--
Sandman
Sandman